Car Headlights

Switch off those bloody head-lights in town!

Driving in and about town you can see can't you?

I mean - it's so bright you can't even see your own headlights can you?  

It's all about two things, you see, darlings.
Distractions, and Glare.  
Our strange little country's town roads are just stuffed with road-markings that are either bleedin' obvious, impossible to keep to, unnecessary or mis-leading.  Coloured tarmac, multi-coloured lines, zig-zags, keep left signs, boxes for this, boxes for that, chequered jobbies for whatever - all placed beneath & alongside a truly stunning amount of "street furniture".

. . . . . and they're all lit up from overhead lights.
Goddamn it, it's virtually daylight.

Yet the cars plod & whiz about headlights ablaze, high-intensity lights on, DRLs in jazzy shapes, jeeps with high-set lamps . . . . . DAZZLING.

. . . . . . and one day, some report will come out " a little less light, a little less eye-catching, eye-focusing dazzle, and we'd all SEE that much better on the roads."


Young Montalbano BBC4 - Sat evenings

What Young Montelbano will never have as a series is the sound of helicopters to represent US aerial power, or thinly backgrounded (?) marshal drumming to represent the US marines, or people shouting "over here" or "jump" as they go Over There, or, indeed . . Jump. The cameras won't dance in some attempt to make it all feel "Now". I think you get the idea.  
Just watch it, after a few minutes you don't even notice you're reading subtitles.


Durley Inn, Bournemouth

Full Christmas decorations across Bar fireplace. On 25th September. A record?



GTA5 advertised on the side of a yellow bus in Christchurch Road, Lansdowne, Bournemouth yesterday.

We're all DOOMED I tell you!


Get RID of all of them.

It's time to stop now isn't it?
No thinking about "which ones have never hurt anyone" - no silly chat about "a person's choice" just get rid of them all.
There has never been any legitimate reason AT ALL you could possibly dream-up to continue having such animals walking around in modern society.
They are not needed, they do not help anything or anyone, there is no need for them to exist at all in this country. 
Full stop.
Rant over.


Oven Sausages - the holy grail

I've done it.
No, I really mean it - I've done it.

With the Pixie away in Bristol I succumbed to that male thing of eating UTTER CRAP - and had decided on oven sausages as part of the feast.

But the GREASE!!!  my god, it was swilling out from the Oven door before I'd realised what was going-on.  Across the floor, out the french doors and into the moonlit yard.

Foxes (and various formerly 'slink-about' creatures) were piled high in the corner on top of each other - unable to move across the gravel as the torrent of STUFF soaked into their paws and rendered them helpless.

It can't go on can it?

Enter the Bang-O-Tray!
The Bang-O-tray
Oh yes . . . . it's all plain sailing now.
This beauty sits inside the oven tray, dish, thingy - with the chips (did I mention the chips?) sat outside of it - and  . . . . .

the chips are TOTALLY UNAFFECTED by any Banger grease ! - amazing.

You saw it here first.


Fed-up with Fat Cats?

Is your cat obese?
Are you fed-up to the back teeth with having to widen the cat-flap every month or so?

Me too.

So, here's a handy tip sent in by Mavis Postlethwaite, of Cheam.

She writes: "Instead of smearing butter on your cat's paws every time you move home, why not try one of the popular and very modern low fat spreads?"

A MASSIVE thank you to Mavis, I think we've all learned a thing or two today.


Fed up with losing one key at a time?

Get a keyring - then you have the luxury of knowing ALL your keys are gone - all at once!


Martin Clunes, the Dog, the Insurance Advert

You'd have thought the Authorities, and indeed Churchill themselves might have been a tad more lenient in the case of Martin Clunes?

I mean, like, amassing enough points on your licence for speeding to get banned is one thing . . . . . . but surely medical emergencies are above this sort of thing?


Government announce dog chipping as replacement for speed cameras

In a cost-cutting move today the Government has commenced the first of its new 'two for the price of one' policies.

Noting the overwhelming number of canine passengers in cars caught on speed cameras, it was felt more cost-effective to chip all UK-resident dogs with an accelerometer and GPS then have roadside sensors beam the owners address and vehicle velocity to a new £5 million pound central database in the event of some road-traffic breach. 
After successful trials with computed axial tomography (CAT scan) systems, housed in  supermarket aisles to gauge public reactions to a 'beeping bloody machine' , Jeremy Clarke ( MP for Chipping Norton, South Gloucs) concluded "Well Tescos do it . . . tell us something is 'price crashed' and we consequently adore them for charging us £1 for a 20p tin of pet food, why not the spirit of entrepreneurialism in our policies?"  Adding  "You never know someone might decide our NI number cards could be like . . . ow - I dunno, a sort of ID card?  Ya know?  Later with driving-licence and CRB detail all scanned in?   Blimmey! THREE for the price one!  Just like Asda?"


And winner is . . . . best adverts - 2012

Thank you, thank you, thank you Specsavers.

For taking the piss out of American triumphalism
"Tell 'em daddy's home"  "Good to see ya - Buddy"
 blah, blah blah in the Shuttle - only to arrive (mistakenly) at Luton Airport.

specsavers shuttle

 . . . . . and for the warm-hearted one, where a couple take a seat to eat their cheese sandwiches only to be whisked-off on a jaw-dropping Roller-Coaster ride.

Remarking after they got down, "What kind of Cheese was that?"  magic.

"what kind of cheese was that?"

And of course, this one.
farmer sheers sheep dog
Beautifully shot, thoughtfully directed.


and the Winner is . . . overrated comedian of 2012

John Bishop

 Don't get me wrong - he's quite good, and very personable, and of course it's the BLACK SUIT - just like the TV Ad footballers eh?

But he's not THAT good.

Now he's 'now' - (if you see what I mean), the whole roller-coaster will start running and he'll be on every damned quiz, chat, and 'panel of funny people' type program you could possibly mistakenly surf onto.


And why?  Because Michael Mcintyre might seem a bit POSH for New Britain's tastes?  A bit Fae ?  And Mcintyre talks properly doesn't he?   We just cannot have all this blasted TALKING PROPERLY!   It's simply no good - how the hell are we NOT going to seem like a bunch of grabbing toff-loving, Conservative-lovers unless we get a few Scouses out there eh?  Gotta be REPRESENTATIVE see?  Plunder this UK vein of rich and varied cultural differences, TV, radio announcers - get em all on!


and the Winner is . . . most stupid TV Ad' of 2012

Bleu de CHANEL
Who?   No really . . . . I mean WHO?   Sad old, style-unconscious,  'now' unconcious person that I am . . . I still have NO IDEA who Gaspard Ulliel actually is.  So I had to read up, and discovered that this Ad is actually not an Advert - it's a (wait for it) "Short Film".

"The video is truly a masterpiece of the new fashmovie genre, starring Gaspard Ulliel and directed by the great Martin Scorsese."  
(I read the above rubbish << here >>)

Unbelievable.  Daft.  Preying on a fourteen year old's daydreams perhaps?  (I'm gonna change, be someone COOL, be a BROODING MYSTERY, wear a black suit like FOOTBALLERS do in TV adverts.   Yeah!  That's the big plan.  You just see if I don't.)

and the Winner is . . . . creepy TV advert

Just pipping themselves at the winners post - this Ad' passed their "dead dad looking on fondly" advert by a whisker.  What a bunch of bastards - pulling on every key-word heart string available in their shoddy repertoire, car accidents, cancer - you name it.